Thursday, October 22, 2009

Three and a half weeks in...

I've been a wannabe low-carber for about ten years. In 1999 a friend recommended Protein Power by Dr.s Eades. Between June and October that year I dropped from 324 to 284. Unfortunately, low-carb living isn't, by itself, a cure for emotional eating - even with wild success - and winters are a bad time for that for me. I fell away and stabilized in the 295 to 310 pound range for the next nine years. I started stricter low-carbing on and off over the years. Some habits stuck with me, too: I never really got back to eating pasta, rice and (to a certain degree) potatoes and *almost* completely switched from soda to plain iced tea. Bread crept back in on fast food and deli sandwiches.

In March, 2008, my mother was diagnosed with metastasized adenocarcinoma. She died this March and I found my weight had risen to 335 pounds just before my 51st birthday. I'd been coasting too long.

Coasting always takes me downhill. I realized that at my age the downhill slope gets steeper and requires more effort to stay above that curve. For the next four months I tried, again and again, to restrain and retrain my eating to a more low-carb style with various levels of success but always with short duration before will-power gave out.

My primary care physician again recommended me to the Sharp Weight Management clinic and I started on the Medically Supervised HMR (Health Management Resources) diet at the end of September. I lost 21.5 pounds in the first two weeks and I've been feeling pretty good. I'll be in Phase 1 through December and in Phase 2 until I reach my goal weight - I'm shooting for 200. The program doctor said I should be losing five pounds a week "for the foreseeable future" but that was proven wrong the following week with a four pound loss.

On this diet, I'm required to eat at least five 160 KCal "shakes" (which are very sweet!) and I'm allowed to supplement with more shakes, HMR entrees, HMR cereal (oatmeal-like) and HMR bars as needed to avoid eating anything "outside the box". I track everything I eat, meet my "prescription" (5 shakes), do my exercise, attend the classes and do the midweek call-in. This structure - and my whole-hearted commitment to it - have led to my current - albeit short-term - success. I'm not struggling with hunger (much), I'm not cheating, and I'm having good results. I feel good.

And yet....

The problem I have is that I know that I will not be following their recommended diet in the maintenance phase a year down the line. I will be adding more vegetables as they (and pretty much all diets) recommend. It's been a serious fault in my diet in the last five years. However, I won't be eating a cup of steamed broccoli and half of a skinless baked chicken breast and padding it with a wad of pasta to meet some fantasy-based daily caloric goal. I know that the program I'm on will try to build for me a structure of eating and exercising that will reinforce the low-fat, calories-in-vs.-calories-out mindset that they're trying to instill in us.

I ordered Dr.s Eades' Six-Week Cure for the Middle-Aged Middle and read it as soon as it arrived. It makes much more sense to me than the hand-waving, pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain, simplistic pseudo-science that many diets use. Books by these doctors don't treat me like an idiot and they're willing to change in response to actual science as opposed to shifting to remain popular.

I just gotta stay with science!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Window and/or Mirror

We have a cause. Our cause is just and righteous. Our cause serves all people from oppressed minorities to the silent, suffering majority. No reasonable person could oppose our proposals since they are based on universal, well-researched, unwavering principles. We are receptive to new ideas. Our spokespeople are respectful, passionate and articulate and never engage in the ad-hominem attacks or vicious polarization. We are willing to reach out to anyone and educate those who do not know our cause and what it stands for. We decry the media for being biased against our cause because they are in the sway of our opponents. We work within the democratic, lawful system as it exists even as we work from within to promote positive change. Our cause has wide, populist appeal. We are poor or, at least, not rich. We are disenfranchised and un- or under-represented. We are indignant and, unless those in power realize that they should be serving us (as opposed to the other way around), we will rise up and sweep them into the dustbin of history.

They have an agenda. Their agenda is evil or, at least, short-sighted. Their agenda serves special interests and the minority of people who gain the most from their machinations. It is clear that their agenda is based on transitory, self-serving, half-baked, inconsistent, baseless assertions that any reasonable person could see through if they weren't duped by the expensive and well-researched, psychologically compelling, guilt-inducing propaganda. They tear down our ideas without offering constructive alternatives. Their talking heads are divisive, arrogant, rude, violent, name-calling mouthpieces. They rely on ad-hominem attacks, vicious polarization and the politics of personal destruction to shout down and intimidate all who oppose them. They distort our cause in the media and use their control of big business and corrupt government to legitimize their agenda . They are demagogues who pay lip-service to our system of government but ignore and even break the law to further their agenda . The only people who support their agenda are those who seek to maintain or improve their privileged position. They make no effort to include those they view as enemies and refuse to believe that there are those who legitimately oppose them. They're crazy and will do anything to undermine the democratic process that would otherwise sweep them and their crazy ideas into the dustbin of history.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

In Memoriam

In memory of Loretta Smith
Wife, mother, grandmother and more

We will no longer feel the touch of her hand
We will no longer hear the sound of her voice

Her knowledge, wisdom and love live on in us
As we who were the beneficiaries of her generous life
Incorporate her gifts into our lives
And carry forward our versions of it
To those whose lives we touch

In this way she bequeaths to each of us
A strand in an unbroken web
Stronger for her care and our connections through her

Heading Gently Into That Long Good NightIn wonder we're born
In beauty we live
In mystery we die

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Gratitude, That Tricky Emotion

Plum Blossom 3
I am beginning to believe that gratitude is, by necessity, a bittersweet emotion. It's height is proportional to the depths of the chasm at your feet. Maybe as a newbie to cultivating gratitude it's just easier to notice it when things are good and bad at the same time. And, really, when is that not true?

I'm reminded of the story that I can only find on the web as Kahn's Strawberry Story. It's a short story which I will shorten even further in twitter/haiku format:

Tigers high and low
Mice chew vine so I will fall
Ah, sweet strawberry!

So, back to me. I just dropped my sister off at the airport. She's been at our parent's house for the last week sharing with our sister the care of our Mom and support of our Dad as Mom navigates her last few days or weeks. We really didn't need to say that it was almost surely the last time she'd see Mom alive. I described for her a mix of emotions that I've been cycling through:

1) Mom's dying is completely normal and natural. It will happen to all of us (barring some unlikely combination of science-fiction-style breakthroughs). Since it will happen to each of us then, logically, it will happen to everyone around us. It fascinates me that something so mundane is - simultaneously - so fraught with disbelief and pain. I chalk that up to avoidance, fingers-in-ears-la-la-la denial and a lack of experience. Our culture is so death-averse that we do everything we can (humanely or otherwise) to avoid it and, when we fail, we hide our failures away and collude to ignore it. So ends the rational discourse.

2) It is tragic that my mother is dying. She will no longer be with us. How much of me is bound up with who she is and who she has been for me? I see so much of the good she gave me. How can I become who I need to become without her example and her (rarely given and always welcome) opinion? To the best of my knowledge, neither my mom nor I believe in a supernatural afterlife so this will be it! So ends the maudlin ramblings.

3) The progress of her cancer was slow enough that with reasonably aggressive treatment she's lived a year since her diagnosis. This has given her time to adjust to it and finally to set an awesome example for us. She has served us by allowing us to serve her to the end. Through it all, her concern is for her husband and children and grandchildren. This where my gratitude comes in. I have been so lucky that I have the privilege of... well, everything! I have a loving and committed extended family. I live close to my parents so I can be involved. I have both a supportive and deep church community and a joyful, supportive Aikido group; places and people with whom I can be my whole, complex, flawed, grieving, and celebrating self.

What, you might ask, triggered all this? I was driving to my parents this morning and I smelled the soul-stirring scent of the warm sun on the pine trees and the flowering chaparral. How could this possibly be a bad day?