String Theory

Latch-hook knots
                     of Space/Time
The warp and weft
                     of the Universe
Weaver and woven
                     of God-Stuff

Gratitude, That Tricky Emotion

I am beginning to believe that gratitude is, by necessity, a bittersweet emotion. It's height is proportional to the depths of the chasm at your feet. Maybe as a newbie to cultivating gratitude it's just easier to notice it when things are good and bad at the same time. And, really, when is that not true?

I'm reminded of the story that I can only find on the web as Kahn's Strawberry Story. It's a short story which I will shorten even further in twitter/haiku format:

Tigers high and low
Mice chew vine so I will fall
Ah, sweet strawberry!

So, back to me. I just dropped my sister off at the airport. She's been at our parent's house for the last week sharing with our sister the care of our Mom and support of our Dad as Mom navigates her last few days or weeks. We really didn't need to say that it was almost surely the last time she'd see Mom alive. I described for her a mix of emotions that I've been cycling through:

1) Mom's dying is completely normal and natural. It will happen to all of us (barring some unlikely combination of science-fiction-style breakthroughs). Since it will happen to each of us then, logically, it will happen to everyone around us. It fascinates me that something so mundane is - simultaneously - so fraught with disbelief and pain. I chalk that up to avoidance, fingers-in-ears-la-la-la denial and a lack of experience. Our culture is so death-averse that we do everything we can (humanely or otherwise) to avoid it and, when we fail, we hide our failures away and collude to ignore it. So ends the rational discourse.

2) It is tragic that my mother is dying. She will no longer be with us. How much of me is bound up with who she is and who she has been for me? I see so much of the good she gave me. How can I become who I need to become without her example and her (rarely given and always welcome) opinion? To the best of my knowledge, neither my mom nor I believe in a supernatural afterlife so this will be it! So ends the maudlin ramblings.

3) The progress of her cancer was slow enough that with reasonably aggressive treatment she's lived a year since her diagnosis. This has given her time to adjust to it and finally to set an awesome example for us. She has served us by allowing us to serve her to the end. Through it all, her concern is for her husband and children and grandchildren. This where my gratitude comes in. I have been so lucky that I have the privilege of... well, everything! I have a loving and committed extended family. I live close to my parents so I can be involved. I have both a supportive and deep church community and a joyful, supportive Aikido group; places and people with whom I can be my whole, complex, flawed, grieving, and celebrating self.

What, you might ask, triggered all this? I was driving to my parents this morning and I smelled the soul-stirring scent of the warm sun on the pine trees and the flowering chaparral. How could this possibly be a bad day?

Building the Dream

Have you ever noticed the similarity between the words "workshop" and "worship"? I've heard my minister, Rev. Dr. Arvid Straube, define worship as "to consider that which has worth". Workshops like the twenty-plus evenings and afternoons I've participated in this year meet that definition.

The series is called "Building the World We Dream About: A Welcoming Congregation Curriculum on Race and Ethnicity". I call the series "Building the Dream" for short and to tie it to Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. The workshops called me to consider worthy topics and challenged me to consider them and myself in new ways. There were a lot of surprises for me.

I started the year expecting that we would talk about the experience of being "other" in America, black or Latino or Asian. It came as a shock to spend so much time talking about being white. I found out that I took a lot of pride in being "counter-cultural", of not sharing the mindset that others were not as good as me. I was stunned by my dawning realization that this is a luxury that I as a white, male, straight, married, able, middle-class employed person could have because of all the privileges - earned and unearned - that I enjoy. It had never dawned on me how all-encompassing my white privilege is.

I was also surprised at how engaged I became in the process. Part of it was the covenant-group-like structure that encourages intimacy and trust. Part of it was the authenticity and generosity of my companions. Some parts were challenging - hard, even - and I often found myself in uncomfortable territory. It's not fun to realize - again! - that many of the freedoms I enjoy are not equally shared in this country, in this society. Because we are all immersed in this culture, we find it here in my church community, too.

I don't consider myself racist on a personal level and I think that I don't harbor a lot of mass prejudice (though I'm open to guidance, there). Where my racism manifests is by my participation in and support of institutions - educational, political, employment, social, civic, cultural and religious - that have racial and other biases built into their structures and practices. Withdrawing my support for these institutions is not feasible - I would not enjoy being a hermit! - so changing them has to happen as they continue to function. Some, if not most, of those changes will inconvenience those of us who hold privileged status in these institutions. We've seen many examples of this in the educational and employment fields over the last fifty years; desegregation, busing, Equal Opportunity Employment laws, "quotas" and calls of "reverse discrimination".

One of my most painful realizations has been that measured, sustainable change in these institutions necessarily means prolonging and supporting their unjust and oppressive elements for another generation (or more!) but that revolutionary change is risky, too! The good gets thrown out with the bad and everyone suffers until - hopefully! - non-oppressive systems replace them. There are no perfect solutions and yet we must move forward. I look forward to when this curriculum is released and, when that happens, I will take it again.

Assessment

General Assembly has been over for nearly a week and, aside from a couple days head-in-sand, I've been thinking a lot about what I learned, what I saw, what I heard. A lot of it had to do with privilege and oppression.

Since I've been asked to serve as the head of the Diversity Action Group of my church's board, I paid a lot of attention to matters of diversity, race, oppression, and privilege. I thought it would be an interesting exercise to count my blessings or, in AR/AO/MC (Anti-Racism, Anti-Oppression, Multiculturalism) terms, acknowledge my privileges in relation to the society and culture that I live in.

• I am male.

People - in general - accord me more power and more relevance than they do women. In general, I get paid more and have better chances for advancement in my chosen career (plus, I have more career options).


• I am Caucasian.

Being white - whether examined or not - gives me a plethora of social advantages, subtle and overt. I am not targeted as a potential criminal. I am not viewed as less intelligent, less hard-working, less responsible to my family. I get paid more and have better chances for advancement in my chosen career.


• I am paid a living wage (and then some).

I have (relative) economic security. I owe a lot of money on a house but even that gives me a lot of economic clout. All my potential whims and tastes are valued and marketed to. I can get pretty much anything I want.


• I am 50 years old.

I am given the benefit of doubt in matters of experience. I am not treated like an "inexperienced youth" or a "radical" nor am I so old that others view me as being "old-fashioned" or "conservative".


• Most view me as heterosexual.

I am not denigrated for being non-heterosexual. No verbal abuse, no physical abuse. I have full rights to marry and have it recognized in every state.


• I feel that I am heterosexual.

Even considering my family story, I still default to a heterosexist world-view.


• I am a citizen of the United States of America.

I get the benefits of being a privileged member of the richest society on Earth. I can get anything I can afford (or almost afford).


• I have a college education and a bachelor's degree.

People assume that I am smart merely because I went to college. I don't have to prove it over and over again.


• I am part of the power structure in my church

Since I am visible in my congregation and I contribute both time and money and because I am a don't-make-waves/don't ruffle feathers sort of person, I have been invited to be a leader in my church.

I recognize that these privileges puts me into the group of people that benefits from institutionalized oppression. What I am less sure of is how to fix it, how to change the power structures so that we all have equal power and equal access to power.

Working through the Building the Dream curriculum (my shorter name for Building the World We Dream About) that my congregation is testing, I finally realize that I'm not stupid for not understanding all this stuff consciously, innately. I wonder if we need an identity-based ministry for white people. I'm not sure whether Allies for Racial Equity fits that bill.

Humor

In response to my news on Monday of my colonoscopy and my daughters car wreck, my brother wrote: "Glad to hear about your rear end, sorry to hear about your front end."

Ha!

Also, the Prius is not totaled! We should have it back in a month.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value humor as a tool to help handle the rough times and family to provide support (humorous and otherwise) when it's needed.

Good News, Bad News

I had several good news/bad news moments today.

1. Bad News: went in for my sigmoidoscopy (only 13,000 feet of tube, not the whole 17,000 feet (read that link before continuing).
   Good News: Apparently, "Flying Colors" are various shades of pink. At least, that's what I saw on the screen when the Doc said that I came through with Flying Colors.
   Side notes: I didn't get Abba. No drugs (good or otherwise). I was in and out of there in 40 minutes (including checking in!) and there was no recovery room where I could play the... uh, "trumpet" The tech said, "Pull up your pants, go out the door and to your left to the exit." He was courteous enough to leave off the "don't let the door hit you on your newly-sensitive behindular zone on the way out" part. So I had to drive home with an uncomfortable gut. All was better within an hour and a half, though, so don't any of you think you should get out of doing it.


2. Bad News: My daughter was caught in the middle of a four-car pile-up this afternoon. I would not be surprised if our Prius is totaled.
   Good News: No one was injured. I drove up and picked her up at the scene of the accident. The Highway Patrol officer was very kind and complemented her on her handling of her first accident. She did all the right things aside from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.


3. Bad News: My mom's cancer diagnosis is confirmed.
   Good News: They're starting her on a six-month chemo course tomorrow. That is a significantly better prognosis than I was expecting.

As strange as it sounds, all in all, this was a much better day than it could have been. I definitely flashed on Taarna's accident when my daughter called to say she'd been in an accident. I didn't panic at any of this news and I'm weirdly calm. I don't believe that I am in shock or denial.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value acceptance of reality as it happens and the flexibility to adjust my actions to cope with it.

Revelation

Since about Sunday, I've been back on the Protein Power induction plan that I had such good success with several years ago. (This time for sure, Rocky!) Monday and Tuesday I felt ecstatic! I was dropping weight and feeling good, confident, powerful.

Wednesday evening I ate some very yummy taco casserole. The bottom of the dish is lined with corn tortillas then layered on top are beans, ground meat (turkey, I think), sour cream and cheese. I knew I should avoid the tortilla level but - dang! - it was tasty! I ate two servings.

Now, realize that I really don't to the beating-myself-up thing. Nutritional vacations come and go. No big deal. I get back on the bike and keep going. Then, I started feeling cravings. *sigh* I decided not to take any of the left-overs for lunch because I didn't want to go through that at work today.

Then, I started feeling stupid. Again, I don't mean that in a beat-myself-up way. I started feeling slower, duller, weak. What sprang to mind was Flowers for Algernon. That feeling was a real bummer. I started feeling down, too. The feeling lasted through this morning and started to lift. By this evening I felt good, again.

My name is ScottMGS and I am a carboholic.

Sometimes I wonder if Graham and Kellogg could have been right (in a very wrong way). There's a lot of salacious information on them here.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value self-reflection and the insight I can gain by paying attention.

Gratitude

I am grateful for the people in my life that give me things to think about (whether you know it or not). Your ideas, challenges and contradictions feed the mill that is my mind. You all make a difference and for that, I'm grateful.

Jury Duty

Okay, so. I was called to jury duty yesterday. I really like the idea of the jury system that we have here in the U.S. It is one of the most successful and egalitarian of our democratic institutions. According to the introduction to jury service that I attended yesterday morning, the San Diego court system (city and county, superior and municipal, I think) is the third largest court organization in the U.S. Over one million jury summons are sent out every year. That is a lot of people and takes a lot of work to keep it running smoothly.

One of the things I like about the system as it stands is that it really only requires the potential jurors to bring their common sense to bear on the case. It does not require specialized scientific, psychological, business or legal knowledge to participate. Indeed, if you have something relevant to the case you will probably be excused from serving! That, in itself, really levels the playing field.

There are, of course, some people who will be overlooked or excluded. People who are deaf or significantly hard-of-hearing and people who don't have a facile grasp of spoken English can't serve. (I wonder if people who can't read are excluded, too.) That essentially makes English the official language of our legal system so recent immigrants are likely to be underrepresented. That said, there are good reasons for this as far as making the system work properly. Translation is a tricky thing - especially live translation - and nuances are tricky enough for native speakers. Nevertheless, it is no less exclusionary even if it is necessary to make the system work.

Another aspect is the number of constraints placed on the jury. Again, there are many good reasons for some, or even most, of these constraints but it seems to me that some get in the way of finding the truth. Admittedly, the jury is expected to decide the truth but a jury is (supposedly) limited to the facts (and incident information) presented during the testimony and evidence phase of a trial.

One aspect that does bother me is how many people want to avoid serving on a jury. I admit that it is daunting on several fronts. My work will pay for me to perform up to ten days of jury service but other companies pay for fewer and some don't pay at all. The law only requires that the company not fire people for serving.

I think some people are uncomfortable with making decisions for or about other people - I speak for myself but I am sure that others feel the same. Some of these decisions are life-and-death, multiple years of incarceration, loss of rights, loss of access to loved ones, the chance that the wrong decision is made, lost hopes for justice (or revenge), lost wealth, lost health, etc. The people on a jury will be responsible for choosing who loses - somebody always loses. The loss is always a big loss. That is daunting.

I wonder if people in our society are less community-oriented and so feel less responsibility for the community and, therefore, less responsible to their community. I know that I tend to pick and choose what sub-communities I feel responsible for and to. It might be better to say that I have different levels of commitment to various aspects of our society.

Anyway, to Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value our system of justice for how effective it is considering the pressures on it. Even with its flaws, I appreciate its basis as a distinctly democratic institution.

America

This is a weird one for me. I've always been leery of people claiming to be "proud to be an American". To me, pride is a foreign concept but should be associated with personal accomplishments or, at least, something that participated in significantly. Just being born isn't really a justifiable cause for pride.

Nevertheless, I find myself contemplating being a privileged citizen of the United States of America. I didn't deserve to be born here nor did I earn the rights and privileges. So I ponder the privilege and the responsibility that I feel goes with it. The responsibilities I feel aren't the drive to fight (and risk death) against our "enemies", the drive to export our way of life, to absorb the rest of the world into our demesne.

No, rather, I feel the need to extend the way our government is, by law, required to treat its citizens to the people who are not our citizens. When someone, for whatever reason, comes into the control of any branch of the U.S. government (e.g. the legal system, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, the military, the CIA, etc.) they should be accorded all rights accorded to citizens.

I am aware that the Declaration of Independence is not a document with legal standing but, oh, how I wish that the first sentence of the preamble:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

...was included in the Constitution!

Now, allowing that "men" means "people" (and some would like to extend that to "beings"), it would seem that, being equal, all people should be accorded those "unalienable Rights" regardless of their nationality and even discounting their animosity toward our nation. That, alone, might reduce some of the animosity we've earned during the "war on terror".

As opposed as I am to some of the actions of our administrations through the years, I do not oppose our form of government. There are many changes I would make but I would not suggest that they be made except through the system that the Constitution put in place. Even with our human failings, the framework is good.

I understand that I have the unearned privilege of being a citizen of the United States of America and because I am a voting citizen I can make more of a difference by participating than by withdrawing. Making change happen means more than paying taxes and voting, though. How can I use my privilege to make the world a better place?

I am grateful that I am a citizen of the United States of America.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value the ideals of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United State of America and believe that our government should extend these inherent privileges when dealing with nations and people at all levels.

Balance

Balance is dynamic and requires some degree of flexibility.

Physically, balance is an acquired skill. Generally, children get the ability to stand in less than a year. It seems easy but it's a complicated process - we just don't have to think about it. Later in life, balance is harder to maintain as the body and the nervous system take a beating from time.

Mental balance is the ability to stay sane with all the input we receive.

Life balance is finding the (ever-changing?) mix of seeking challenges and having fun.

I am grateful to be mostly balanced in most areas of my life.

To answer Taarna's question; What do I value most? I value balance and the awareness it takes to maintain it.

Gratitude

1) I am grateful for a house to live in. I am comfortable, warm.

2) I am grateful for internet access so I can have fun, learn new things, appreciate beauty and be challenged. I can stumble across ideas that I would not have thought of on my own. I can hold conversations with people across the country and around the world. I can "meet" with like minds and converse with people with viewpoints different from my own.

3) I am grateful for my body. It does need work but I am able to do what I need on a day-to-day basis and I am able to improve it in the areas that I want to improve. I am healthy.

4) I am grateful for my church community. These people like and support me and their confidence in my makes me feel and helps me feel competent.

5) I am grateful that I became aware of our financial state before it got too bad. I can fix it.

To answer Taarna's question; What do I value most? I value having a place to live, a way to communicate, a community to lift me up, a body that can take me where I need to go and the awareness to fix the things that need fixing.

Gratitude

I haven't written for a while but I have been thinking about it (the Question). I've also noticed that this blog may also begin to look like a gratitude journal. I really have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes it seems silly to list them out but I'm guessing it'll be more surprising that embarrassing. Usually, the idea is that I should write down five things that I am grateful for. (Yeah, I know: "...for which I am grateful." Grammar is good.)

1) I have my family and friends
2) I have my church community
3) I have my Aikido community
4) I have a job
5) I have a home

Obviously, these are high-level things - categories, even. Refine, refine, refine.