Scott's Thoughts

String Theory

2010-11-28T21:17:00.000-08:00

Latch-hook knots
                     of Space/Time
The warp and weft
                     of the Universe
Weaver and woven
                     of God-Stuff

Three and a half weeks in...

2009-10-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

I've been a wannabe low-carber for about ten years. In 1999 a friend recommended Protein Power by Dr.s Eades. Between June and October that year I dropped from 324 to 284. Unfortunately, low-carb living isn't, by itself, a cure for emotional eating - even with wild success - and winters are a bad time for that for me. I fell away and stabilized in the 295 to 310 pound range for the next nine years. I started stricter low-carbing on and off over the years. Some habits stuck with me, too: I never really got back to eating pasta, rice and (to a certain degree) potatoes and *almost* completely switched from soda to plain iced tea. Bread crept back in on fast food and deli sandwiches.

In March, 2008, my mother was diagnosed with metastasized adenocarcinoma. She died this March and I found my weight had risen to 335 pounds just before my 51st birthday. I'd been coasting too long.

Coasting always takes me downhill. I realized that at my age the downhill slope gets steeper and requires more effort to stay above that curve. For the next four months I tried, again and again, to restrain and retrain my eating to a more low-carb style with various levels of success but always with short duration before will-power gave out.

My primary care physician again recommended me to the Sharp Weight Management clinic and I started on the Medically Supervised HMR (Health Management Resources) diet at the end of September. I lost 21.5 pounds in the first two weeks and I've been feeling pretty good. I'll be in Phase 1 through December and in Phase 2 until I reach my goal weight - I'm shooting for 200. The program doctor said I should be losing five pounds a week "for the foreseeable future" but that was proven wrong the following week with a four pound loss.

On this diet, I'm required to eat at least five 160 KCal "shakes" (which are very sweet!) and I'm allowed to supplement with more shakes, HMR entrees, HMR cereal (oatmeal-like) and HMR bars as needed to avoid eating anything "outside the box". I track everything I eat, meet my "prescription" (5 shakes), do my exercise, attend the classes and do the midweek call-in. This structure - and my whole-hearted commitment to it - have led to my current - albeit short-term - success. I'm not struggling with hunger (much), I'm not cheating, and I'm having good results. I feel good.

And yet....

The problem I have is that I know that I will not be following their recommended diet in the maintenance phase a year down the line. I will be adding more vegetables as they (and pretty much all diets) recommend. It's been a serious fault in my diet in the last five years. However, I won't be eating a cup of steamed broccoli and half of a skinless baked chicken breast and padding it with a wad of pasta to meet some fantasy-based daily caloric goal. I know that the program I'm on will try to build for me a structure of eating and exercising that will reinforce the low-fat, calories-in-vs.-calories-out mindset that they're trying to instill in us.

I ordered Dr.s Eades' Six-Week Cure for the Middle-Aged Middle and read it as soon as it arrived. It makes much more sense to me than the hand-waving, pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain, simplistic pseudo-science that many diets use. Books by these doctors don't treat me like an idiot and they're willing to change in response to actual science as opposed to shifting to remain popular.

I just gotta stay with science!

Window and/or Mirror

2009-09-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

We have a cause. Our cause is just and righteous. Our cause serves all people from oppressed minorities to the silent, suffering majority. No reasonable person could oppose our proposals since they are based on universal, well-researched, unwavering principles. We are receptive to new ideas. Our spokespeople are respectful, passionate and articulate and never engage in the ad-hominem attacks or vicious polarization. We are willing to reach out to anyone and educate those who do not know our cause and what it stands for. We decry the media for being biased against our cause because they are in the sway of our opponents. We work within the democratic, lawful system as it exists even as we work from within to promote positive change. Our cause has wide, populist appeal. We are poor or, at least, not rich. We are disenfranchised and un- or under-represented. We are indignant and, unless those in power realize that they should be serving us (as opposed to the other way around), we will rise up and sweep them into the dustbin of history.

They have an agenda. Their agenda is evil or, at least, short-sighted. Their agenda serves special interests and the minority of people who gain the most from their machinations. It is clear that their agenda is based on transitory, self-serving, half-baked, inconsistent, baseless assertions that any reasonable person could see through if they weren't duped by the expensive and well-researched, psychologically compelling, guilt-inducing propaganda. They tear down our ideas without offering constructive alternatives. Their talking heads are divisive, arrogant, rude, violent, name-calling mouthpieces. They rely on ad-hominem attacks, vicious polarization and the politics of personal destruction to shout down and intimidate all who oppose them. They distort our cause in the media and use their control of big business and corrupt government to legitimize their agenda . They are demagogues who pay lip-service to our system of government but ignore and even break the law to further their agenda . The only people who support their agenda are those who seek to maintain or improve their privileged position. They make no effort to include those they view as enemies and refuse to believe that there are those who legitimately oppose them. They're crazy and will do anything to undermine the democratic process that would otherwise sweep them and their crazy ideas into the dustbin of history.

In Memoriam

2009-03-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

In memory of Loretta Smith
Wife, mother, grandmother and more

We will no longer feel the touch of her hand
We will no longer hear the sound of her voice

Her knowledge, wisdom and love live on in us
As we who were the beneficiaries of her generous life
Incorporate her gifts into our lives
And carry forward our versions of it
To those whose lives we touch

In this way she bequeaths to each of us
A strand in an unbroken web
Stronger for her care and our connections through her

In wonder we're born
In beauty we live
In mystery we die

Gratitude, That Tricky Emotion

2009-02-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to believe that gratitude is, by necessity, a bittersweet emotion. It's height is proportional to the depths of the chasm at your feet. Maybe as a newbie to cultivating gratitude it's just easier to notice it when things are good and bad at the same time. And, really, when is that not true?

I'm reminded of the story that I can only find on the web as Kahn's Strawberry Story. It's a short story which I will shorten even further in twitter/haiku format:

Tigers high and low
Mice chew vine so I will fall
Ah, sweet strawberry!

So, back to me. I just dropped my sister off at the airport. She's been at our parent's house for the last week sharing with our sister the care of our Mom and support of our Dad as Mom navigates her last few days or weeks. We really didn't need to say that it was almost surely the last time she'd see Mom alive. I described for her a mix of emotions that I've been cycling through:

1) Mom's dying is completely normal and natural. It will happen to all of us (barring some unlikely combination of science-fiction-style breakthroughs). Since it will happen to each of us then, logically, it will happen to everyone around us. It fascinates me that something so mundane is - simultaneously - so fraught with disbelief and pain. I chalk that up to avoidance, fingers-in-ears-la-la-la denial and a lack of experience. Our culture is so death-averse that we do everything we can (humanely or otherwise) to avoid it and, when we fail, we hide our failures away and collude to ignore it. So ends the rational discourse.

2) It is tragic that my mother is dying. She will no longer be with us. How much of me is bound up with who she is and who she has been for me? I see so much of the good she gave me. How can I become who I need to become without her example and her (rarely given and always welcome) opinion? To the best of my knowledge, neither my mom nor I believe in a supernatural afterlife so this will be it! So ends the maudlin ramblings.

3) The progress of her cancer was slow enough that with reasonably aggressive treatment she's lived a year since her diagnosis. This has given her time to adjust to it and finally to set an awesome example for us. She has served us by allowing us to serve her to the end. Through it all, her concern is for her husband and children and grandchildren. This where my gratitude comes in. I have been so lucky that I have the privilege of... well, everything! I have a loving and committed extended family. I live close to my parents so I can be involved. I have both a supportive and deep church community and a joyful, supportive Aikido group; places and people with whom I can be my whole, complex, flawed, grieving, and celebrating self.

What, you might ask, triggered all this? I was driving to my parents this morning and I smelled the soul-stirring scent of the warm sun on the pine trees and the flowering chaparral. How could this possibly be a bad day?

We're Not in Kansas, Anymore...

2008-11-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

A new article from UUWorld came out today. It contained the following paragraph:

This urgency comes from major changes in the make-up of the American population that are on the horizon, [Rev. Peter] Morales said. “Of Americans who are 70 years of age or older, three-quarters are white, European-extraction, Anglo.” he said. “Of Americans who are 10 and younger, one-quarter are. If not a single immigrant crosses our border for the next 20 years, three-quarters of young adults in America are going to be African American, African-Latino, Asian, or some mixture thereof.” If UU congregations fail to welcome and include this changing American face, Morales said, Unitarian Universalism faces a strong possibility of becoming irrelevant. He also stressed the need to recruit more ministers to lead this change because it is possible that half of all current parish ministers will be retiring in the next eight years.

This floored me. I don't mean that it scared me or made me worry that I would have to move somewhere else. Having just finished Building the Dream, it struck me that the work we're embarking on is truly the work we need to do to revitalize our churches, congregations and fellowships and that this course came out at the right time because we're going to need it something fierce. This is rebuilding our world.

Demographics²

There are two parts to Morales' quote. First the demographics of our society is changing and our congregations need to meet that challenge and change, too. Second, our Unitarian Universalist ministry will undergo a significant changing of the guard in the near future.

Embracing the Change

Our society is changing - it's always changing, duh! - but it's usually hard to see. We can read the news about demographics but the reality of its short- and long-term impact has a hard time breaching our impervious complacency. I believe I read recently that last year fewer than half of the children born in California were born to white families. It made a bit of a splash when it was announced but Morales' claim is even more radical than that.

Proactive Leadership for a Multicultural Society

Morales says that we will have a turn-over of up to half of the Unitarian Universalist ministers in the next decade. This means that the pulpits of our congregations will be filled with (relatively) younger ministers. As pointed out in Reverend X, these ministers will take us in new directions and I believe they are being trained to work in a multicultural world. God, I hope so!

Hitting Home

This demographic reality must start driving everything we do in our congregations if we are to remain relevant. California, and especially Southern California, is going to be one of the places we find out if we can do this. Each congregation will (as is our UU wont) approach this challenge differently. This is the strength of diversity: first, because our congregations vary quite a bit in outlook, constituency, history, and size and second, because the more ideas we - as a collective - attempt the more ways we will find to succeed.

Building the Dream

2008-10-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed the similarity between the words "workshop" and "worship"? I've heard my minister, Rev. Dr. Arvid Straube, define worship as "to consider that which has worth". Workshops like the twenty-plus evenings and afternoons I've participated in this year meet that definition.

The series is called "Building the World We Dream About: A Welcoming Congregation Curriculum on Race and Ethnicity". I call the series "Building the Dream" for short and to tie it to Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. The workshops called me to consider worthy topics and challenged me to consider them and myself in new ways. There were a lot of surprises for me.

I started the year expecting that we would talk about the experience of being "other" in America, black or Latino or Asian. It came as a shock to spend so much time talking about being white. I found out that I took a lot of pride in being "counter-cultural", of not sharing the mindset that others were not as good as me. I was stunned by my dawning realization that this is a luxury that I as a white, male, straight, married, able, middle-class employed person could have because of all the privileges - earned and unearned - that I enjoy. It had never dawned on me how all-encompassing my white privilege is.

I was also surprised at how engaged I became in the process. Part of it was the covenant-group-like structure that encourages intimacy and trust. Part of it was the authenticity and generosity of my companions. Some parts were challenging - hard, even - and I often found myself in uncomfortable territory. It's not fun to realize - again! - that many of the freedoms I enjoy are not equally shared in this country, in this society. Because we are all immersed in this culture, we find it here in my church community, too.

I don't consider myself racist on a personal level and I think that I don't harbor a lot of mass prejudice (though I'm open to guidance, there). Where my racism manifests is by my participation in and support of institutions - educational, political, employment, social, civic, cultural and religious - that have racial and other biases built into their structures and practices. Withdrawing my support for these institutions is not feasible - I would not enjoy being a hermit! - so changing them has to happen as they continue to function. Some, if not most, of those changes will inconvenience those of us who hold privileged status in these institutions. We've seen many examples of this in the educational and employment fields over the last fifty years; desegregation, busing, Equal Opportunity Employment laws, "quotas" and calls of "reverse discrimination".

One of my most painful realizations has been that measured, sustainable change in these institutions necessarily means prolonging and supporting their unjust and oppressive elements for another generation (or more!) but that revolutionary change is risky, too! The good gets thrown out with the bad and everyone suffers until - hopefully! - non-oppressive systems replace them. There are no perfect solutions and yet we must move forward. I look forward to when this curriculum is released and, when that happens, I will take it again.

Assessment

2008-07-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

General Assembly has been over for nearly a week and, aside from a couple days head-in-sand, I've been thinking a lot about what I learned, what I saw, what I heard. A lot of it had to do with privilege and oppression.

Since I've been asked to serve as the head of the Diversity Action Group of my church's board, I paid a lot of attention to matters of diversity, race, oppression, and privilege. I thought it would be an interesting exercise to count my blessings or, in AR/AO/MC (Anti-Racism, Anti-Oppression, Multiculturalism) terms, acknowledge my privileges in relation to the society and culture that I live in.

I am male.

I am Caucasian.

I am paid a living wage (and then some).

I am 50 years old.

Most view me as heterosexual.

I feel that I am heterosexual.

I am a citizen of the United States of America.

almost

I have a college education and a bachelor's degree.

prove

I am part of the power structure in my church

don't-make-waves/don't ruffle feathers

I recognize that these privileges puts me into the group of people that benefits from institutionalized oppression. What I am less sure of is how to fix it, how to change the power structures so that we all have equal power and equal access to power.

Working through the Building the Dream curriculum (my shorter name for Building the World We Dream About) that my congregation is testing, I finally realize that I'm not stupid for not understanding all this stuff consciously, innately. I wonder if we need an identity-based ministry for white people. I'm not sure whether Allies for Racial Equity fits that bill.

Watch This...

2008-04-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

You gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"

Well, do ya, Punk?

Humor

2008-03-19T23:44:00.000-07:00

In response to my news on Monday of my colonoscopy and my daughters car wreck, my brother wrote: "Glad to hear about your rear end, sorry to hear about your front end."

Ha!

Also, the Prius is not totaled! We should have it back in a month.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value humor as a tool to help handle the rough times and family to provide support (humorous and otherwise) when it's needed.

Good News, Bad News

2008-03-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

I had several good news/bad news moments today.

Bad News: went in for my sigmoidoscopy (only 13,000 feet of tube, not the whole 17,000 feet (read that link before continuing).
Good News: Apparently, "Flying Colors" are various shades of pink. At least, that's what I saw on the screen when the Doc said that I came through with Flying Colors.
Side notes: I didn't get Abba. No drugs (good or otherwise). I was in and out of there in 40 minutes (including checking in!) and there was no recovery room where I could play the... uh, "trumpet" The tech said, "Pull up your pants, go out the door and to your left to the exit." He was courteous enough to leave off the "don't let the door hit you on your newly-sensitive behindular zone on the way out" part. So I had to drive home with an uncomfortable gut. All was better within an hour and a half, though, so don't any of you think you should get out of doing it.

Bad News: My daughter was caught in the middle of a four-car pile-up this afternoon. I would not be surprised if our Prius is totaled.
Good News: No one was injured. I drove up and picked her up at the scene of the accident. The Highway Patrol officer was very kind and complemented her on her handling of her first accident. She did all the right things aside from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Bad News: My mom's cancer diagnosis is confirmed.
Good News: They're starting her on a six-month chemo course tomorrow. That is a significantly better prognosis than I was expecting.

As strange as it sounds, all in all, this was a much better day than it could have been. I definitely flashed on Taarna's accident when my daughter called to say she'd been in an accident. I didn't panic at any of this news and I'm weirdly calm. I don't believe that I am in shock or denial.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value acceptance of reality as it happens and the flexibility to adjust my actions to cope with it.

Revelation

2008-02-28T22:59:00.000-08:00

Since about Sunday, I've been back on the Protein Power induction plan that I had such good success with several years ago. (This time for sure, Rocky!) Monday and Tuesday I felt ecstatic! I was dropping weight and feeling good, confident, powerful.

Wednesday evening I ate some very yummy taco casserole. The bottom of the dish is lined with corn tortillas then layered on top are beans, ground meat (turkey, I think), sour cream and cheese. I knew I should avoid the tortilla level but - dang! - it was tasty! I ate two servings.

Now, realize that I really don't to the beating-myself-up thing. Nutritional vacations come and go. No big deal. I get back on the bike and keep going. Then, I started feeling cravings. *sigh* I decided not to take any of the left-overs for lunch because I didn't want to go through that at work today.

Then, I started feeling stupid. Again, I don't mean that in a beat-myself-up way. I started feeling slower, duller, weak. What sprang to mind was Flowers for Algernon. That feeling was a real bummer. I started feeling down, too. The feeling lasted through this morning and started to lift. By this evening I felt good, again.

My name is ScottMGS and I am a carboholic.

Sometimes I wonder if Graham and Kellogg could have been right (in a very wrong way). There's a lot of salacious information on them here.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value self-reflection and the insight I can gain by paying attention.

Gratitude

2008-02-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am grateful for the people in my life that give me things to think about (whether you know it or not). Your ideas, challenges and contradictions feed the mill that is my mind. You all make a difference and for that, I'm grateful.

Transition II

2008-02-27T07:10:00.000-08:00

It has always been my habit to try to control everything around me. I've suppressed that in my life, knowing that "It's not fair." Now, I see that I need to do what I need to do for internally-driven reasons.

The egalitarian ideal is just that, an ideal. It can never be implemented faithfully, try as people might, and I waste my time and energy trying to conform. There is always a power balance that favors some and is denied others. I have been feeling the stirrings of my own power for several years but I've been whining and fearful about using it, afraid that it not fair to other people, that I would be making choices for them.

Now, I see it differently. I can't empower people to do what they want and need while holding myself back. If nothing else, being in charge of myself is a good example! My community, my family and my friends need me to do what I need to do just like I need them to do what they need to do.

Dang! That sounds so... libertarian!

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value the ability to transform myself to define who I am and make myself more useful to the world.

Transformation

2008-01-26T08:56:00.000-08:00

If we want to transform society, we need to start with people because society is not a thing, it is the environment and accumulation of people. We are components of this society. Everything we do and every choice we make affects our society to some small extent.

You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful. — Marie Curie (1867-1934)

If we believe that we should not choose changes for other people we must change ourselves and be so successful that people are encouraged by our example.

Jury Duty

2008-01-25T14:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so. I was called to jury duty yesterday. I really like the idea of the jury system that we have here in the U.S. It is one of the most successful and egalitarian of our democratic institutions. According to the introduction to jury service that I attended yesterday morning, the San Diego court system (city and county, superior and municipal, I think) is the third largest court organization in the U.S. Over one million jury summons are sent out every year. That is a lot of people and takes a lot of work to keep it running smoothly.

One of the things I like about the system as it stands is that it really only requires the potential jurors to bring their common sense to bear on the case. It does not require specialized scientific, psychological, business or legal knowledge to participate. Indeed, if you have something relevant to the case you will probably be excused from serving! That, in itself, really levels the playing field.

There are, of course, some people who will be overlooked or excluded. People who are deaf or significantly hard-of-hearing and people who don't have a facile grasp of spoken English can't serve. (I wonder if people who can't read are excluded, too.) That essentially makes English the official language of our legal system so recent immigrants are likely to be underrepresented. That said, there are good reasons for this as far as making the system work properly. Translation is a tricky thing - especially live translation - and nuances are tricky enough for native speakers. Nevertheless, it is no less exclusionary even if it is necessary to make the system work.

Another aspect is the number of constraints placed on the jury. Again, there are many good reasons for some, or even most, of these constraints but it seems to me that some get in the way of finding the truth. Admittedly, the jury is expected to decide the truth but a jury is (supposedly) limited to the facts (and incident information) presented during the testimony and evidence phase of a trial.

One aspect that does bother me is how many people want to avoid serving on a jury. I admit that it is daunting on several fronts. My work will pay for me to perform up to ten days of jury service but other companies pay for fewer and some don't pay at all. The law only requires that the company not fire people for serving.

I think some people are uncomfortable with making decisions for or about other people - I speak for myself but I am sure that others feel the same. Some of these decisions are life-and-death, multiple years of incarceration, loss of rights, loss of access to loved ones, the chance that the wrong decision is made, lost hopes for justice (or revenge), lost wealth, lost health, etc. The people on a jury will be responsible for choosing who loses - somebody always loses. The loss is always a big loss. That is daunting.

I wonder if people in our society are less community-oriented and so feel less responsibility for the community and, therefore, less responsible to their community. I know that I tend to pick and choose what sub-communities I feel responsible for and to. It might be better to say that I have different levels of commitment to various aspects of our society.

Anyway, to Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value our system of justice for how effective it is considering the pressures on it. Even with its flaws, I appreciate its basis as a distinctly democratic institution.

America

2008-01-14T23:01:00.000-08:00

This is a weird one for me. I've always been leery of people claiming to be "proud to be an American". To me, pride is a foreign concept but should be associated with personal accomplishments or, at least, something that participated in significantly. Just being born isn't really a justifiable cause for pride.

Nevertheless, I find myself contemplating being a privileged citizen of the United States of America. I didn't deserve to be born here nor did I earn the rights and privileges. So I ponder the privilege and the responsibility that I feel goes with it. The responsibilities I feel aren't the drive to fight (and risk death) against our "enemies", the drive to export our way of life, to absorb the rest of the world into our demesne.

No, rather, I feel the need to extend the way our government is, by law, required to treat its citizens to the people who are not our citizens. When someone, for whatever reason, comes into the control of any branch of the U.S. government (e.g. the legal system, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, the military, the CIA, etc.) they should be accorded all rights accorded to citizens.

I am aware that the Declaration of Independence is not a document with legal standing but, oh, how I wish that the first sentence of the preamble:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

...was included in the Constitution!

Now, allowing that "men" means "people" (and some would like to extend that to "beings"), it would seem that, being equal, all people should be accorded those "unalienable Rights" regardless of their nationality and even discounting their animosity toward our nation. That, alone, might reduce some of the animosity we've earned during the "war on terror".

As opposed as I am to some of the actions of our administrations through the years, I do not oppose our form of government. There are many changes I would make but I would not suggest that they be made except through the system that the Constitution put in place. Even with our human failings, the framework is good.

I understand that I have the unearned privilege of being a citizen of the United States of America and because I am a voting citizen I can make more of a difference by participating than by withdrawing. Making change happen means more than paying taxes and voting, though. How can I use my privilege to make the world a better place?

I am grateful that I am a citizen of the United States of America.

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value the ideals of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United State of America and believe that our government should extend these inherent privileges when dealing with nations and people at all levels.

Balance

2008-01-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

Balance is dynamic and requires some degree of flexibility.

Physically, balance is an acquired skill. Generally, children get the ability to stand in less than a year. It seems easy but it's a complicated process - we just don't have to think about it. Later in life, balance is harder to maintain as the body and the nervous system take a beating from time.

Mental balance is the ability to stay sane with all the input we receive.

Life balance is finding the (ever-changing?) mix of seeking challenges and having fun.

I am grateful to be mostly balanced in most areas of my life.

To answer Taarna's question; What do I value most? I value balance and the awareness it takes to maintain it.

Simplicity

2008-01-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

"Consumerism is the belief that things will make you happy. Simplicity is the acknowledgment that they will not." - From a blurb on the book "Rational Simplicity"

Taarna's question: What do I value most? I value simplicity as a way of life. I am not there and I am aware that what I call simplicity will strike some people as not simple enough and other people as unnecessarily spartan.

Stress

2008-01-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

I've been driving myself crazy by watching myself fritter away weekends and evenings. I'm stressed and I'm stressing myself for not reducing my stress! Realizing this, of course, (and feeling more dualistic when I'm stressed) leaves me two options: 1) relax to reduce my stress levels so I can be more effective and 2) Come on! Get to work! These problems aren't going to solve themselves, you know, you lazy bum!.

Hmm... Maybe there is a middle path. How can I both relax and work on what needs to be done? How can I avoid feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I want to do?

Baby steps!

I haven't been writing my gratitude journal entries because it's been too daunting to come up with five new entries every day. Okay, how about one?

1) I am grateful for hot, home-made chicken soup. Mmmm, that's good.

Gratitude

2008-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

1) I am grateful for a house to live in. I am comfortable, warm.

2) I am grateful for internet access so I can have fun, learn new things, appreciate beauty and be challenged. I can stumble across ideas that I would not have thought of on my own. I can hold conversations with people across the country and around the world. I can "meet" with like minds and converse with people with viewpoints different from my own.

3) I am grateful for my body. It does need work but I am able to do what I need on a day-to-day basis and I am able to improve it in the areas that I want to improve. I am healthy.

4) I am grateful for my church community. These people like and support me and their confidence in my makes me feel and helps me feel competent.

5) I am grateful that I became aware of our financial state before it got too bad. I can fix it.

To answer Taarna's question; What do I value most? I value having a place to live, a way to communicate, a community to lift me up, a body that can take me where I need to go and the awareness to fix the things that need fixing.

History

2007-12-20T23:47:00.000-08:00

I value history and what we can learn from its study (and what we can learn from our rose-tinted view from the present). We often say that the people of the past are either more sophisticated than we are (more in tune with nature or the seasons, better at predicting the weather, etc.) or more gullible, superstitious and naïve. We choose one way or another depending on what we want to convey with our story (or sermon). Let me be clear: I am not casting aspersions on this practice. It is by comparing some current practice with a similar past practice and noticing the similarities and differences that we learn from our past.

This came to mind as I was listening to some of the Earth-centered mythology around Winter Solstice. The story is often told that people way back noticed that the sun was getting lower in the sky, nights were getting longer and the days shorter and the weather getting colder, trees lost their leaves and plants died. All valid observations. For me, the iffy part starts with the interpretation of the observations. The stories say that the people feared that the sun was dying or was leaving would not come back. The people who built Stonehenge knew that the year was a cycle and they knew it to the point where they could build a sophisticated physical observatory to mark the seasons. My guess is that the people back then told their children that the people long before them feared that the sun was dying, etc. and so on back a long way. This isn't to say that they approached this time of year without fear. In fact, I would venture to guess that one of the reasons they wanted to know the exact day of the winter solstice is to be able to figure out how far their food supplies had to stretch. No one had a supermarket down the street, back then, with fresh fruit from Chile in January!

History is a wonderful source for lessons and warnings but be sure to peer beyond the top layer.

Right Relationship

2007-12-20T06:20:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I find myself waking up at the end of a dream that I want to have ended differently. That happened this morning and, while the events of the dream have elements that are related to my waking world, as a whole they are fictional and dreamish.

The situation was that I was participating in a workshop at my church. There was a large group of people, both my fellow parishioners and visiting people, UUs all, including several ministers. We filed into a large hall set with rows of long folding tables and sat on both sides of the first three rows. We couldn't all see each other and groups (cliques) formed based on personal prior relationships (ministers sat together, board members sat together, etc.). The workshop was something yarn-related (don't ask me!, clearly something related to the fact that both my daughters are knitting and crocheting Solstice presents but, otherwise not relevant).

We hadn't formally started, yet, or checked in but some were already talking about the subject of the workshop. One person (not a real person as far as I know but definitely an archetype) was quite animated, a little too boisterous with a puppyish enthusiasm for the subject and who didn't seem to be in touch with the decorum of the group. One of the visiting ministers (again, not someone real) said something to the group which embarrassed this person (intentionally) and in the awkward moments that followed the person and one of the people that was with him got up and left.

In the stunned silence that followed it was clear that quite a few people were happy that the disruptive person was gone and that others were aghast! It was this discomfort that started to wake me up and took me to the partially awake state where I tried to "fix" the dream. As usual with this sort of thing (for me), I wasn't trying to fix the original situation but to fix my response to it. The final revision is that I stood up and said something to the effect that I was surprised and disappointed by the callous disregard and disrespect shown to a member of the group and that I felt that the group and, specifically, people that we look up to as leaders were no longer in "right relationship" and that I couldn't attend the workshop while that cloud was hanging over it.

There are aspects of this dream that have real-world components. I am on the board of my church and have been dealing with a situation involving a conflict between the professional staff and some people in our congregation. I deal with people that deal with other people and crowds in - shall we say - less than people-wise ways (an aside: when I talk about this sort of behavior, why is it almost inevitable that the diagnosis "Asperger's Syndrome" comes up?).

That's not the point, though. First, it seems to me that this kind of dream is talking more about me and my reactions (and actions or lack thereof) than it is about whatever real-life seeds germinated in my dream world. In this case, I am usually someone who, in a crowd, lets someone else call "bullshit" and take others to task. Alone, I usually let it slide though it is getting more uncomfortable for me to do so. I am getting more comfortable speaking out in defense of my principles (Hmmm... What are they? New post idea!); in situations where I know and trust the people involved and soon, hopefully, in situations where I need to push out of my comfort zone.

Second, it is becoming more clear that the concept of "right relationship" and reconciliation is very important to me. I am inspired by the personal example of one of my church's interim ministers several years ago and by the efforts of a retired minister in my congregation, now.

Right relationship is clearly an important idea and tool for achieving an anti-racist, anti-oppressive community. Right relationship also has spiritual and ecological overtones. One way I see it is that if you are not in right relationship (with another person, a community, or the whole society) then that relationship contains oppressive elements.

So, on to Taarna's question; What do I value most? I value being in, and working for, right relationship.

Gratitude

2007-12-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a while but I have been thinking about it (the Question). I've also noticed that this blog may also begin to look like a gratitude journal. I really have a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes it seems silly to list them out but I'm guessing it'll be more surprising that embarrassing. Usually, the idea is that I should write down five things that I am grateful for. (Yeah, I know: "...for which I am grateful." Grammar is good.)

1) I have my family and friends
2) I have my church community
3) I have my Aikido community
4) I have a job
5) I have a home

Obviously, these are high-level things - categories, even. Refine, refine, refine.

Debt

2007-12-15T19:44:00.000-08:00

I do not value debt, or, to put it in positive terms, I value being debt-free. I am not there, yet. Consumer debt is using money I hope to have in the future to buy stuff now. Seems like a good deal until you actually think about it. You will end up paying extra for every item you buy unless you pay off your debt before it accrues any interest. Going forward, I need to reduce my debt load. That will reduce the money lost to interest payments and increase the money I can put to implementing my values.

My Job

2007-12-13T22:47:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with my attitude about my job for a long time. Considering this question, though, I have to admit that I've got a pretty sweet deal. I get paid well enough to support my family on one income in San Diego - no mean feat! I am not called on to work outrageous hours. I work with good people. The job is does not require me to work against my principles and values: It's not a Department of Defense job (a big employer, here). It is not involved with deceit or fraud (except to catch it). It has reasonable employment practices and there are people in management who do care about their employees.

In the Circle after Aikido

2007-12-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

I told the story of Taarna's Question, tonight, and asked people to consider what they value.

At the Board Meeting

2007-12-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

At check-in, tonight, I told the story of Taarna's Question. I still choke up a bit when telling it. It was well-received. It also occurred to me that I might make a button with the question on it. Hmmm... Or maybe one of those Livestrong-style bracelets.

Question of the Day (or Your Whole Life)

2007-12-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

"What do you value most?"

A young woman died in an car accident in November. She was the daughter of friends and a friend of my daughter. My friends are living out one of my all-time worst nightmares.

At her service last weekend a young man who rode with her part of the way on her last trip told how she had really gotten him thinking that day with one question: "What do you value most?" She followed her question with the statement to the effect that if you didn't know the answer to that question how would you know what to do? It might seem superficial but with that context it is a very powerful question.

This is a good question in that context. I've started telling people a bit about her and her question. As a person with a tendency toward Process Theology, I believe that our impact on other people is our best form of immortality.

One of the greatest laments about the death of such a young person is that she had so much potential to change the world and that the world would no longer have the benefit of her unique presence. I am going to start asking other people her question. I will also pass along a bit of her story so that people will know a little about her. In this way, she will continue to make a difference in this world.